I have been running quite a lot lately. I decited to do a half marathon with some of the girls from work. I am slowly increasing my distance and working on getting my pace up. I am a little worried about finding the time to train so I can still walk at the end of the race. I don't want training to feel like one more thing I have to do and be more stressful than fun. It is hard to fit in training with my schedule. So far I am feeling good. One thing that comes with running so much is these little mantras that go through my head while I run. They pop into my mind a mile or two into it. It is sort of a moment of clarity. The last one was "I am getting me back".

I had been feeling like I had lost a little of me lately. Feeling irritable, overwhelmed, bogged down. Now working toward something. Knowing that keeping moving will help keep me moving. I am starting to feel like me again. I look forward to finishing the race, to do something for myself. To accomplish something. To work hard for something. For me.

We spent the day at a friends farm. There were four of us girls from work eight kids between us, two dogs, several cows, one slug, and one crawdad. The kids played we lunched while refereeing. We finished the day with rain boots in the creek. The day felt like summer. I loved seeing the kids excitement throwing rocks in the creek, learning all kids aren't much different, and Mommies need to spend more time together.

We have just returned from two relaxing weeks in California. One in the Tahoe area and one in Marin County. I am happy to be home but boy do I miss the sunshine. I went for a run under the grey this morning and the thought that kept creeping into my mind was run away the gloom. I often get a bit depressed and homesick when I get back from a trip like this, but I am determined to keep it away with my prescribed running regimen. I just signed up for a half marathon with some of the girls at work. I am hoping this will motivate me and not add to my stress as another thing I don't have time to do. I am going to try to keep my competing drive out of my mind while training. Trying to be ok with not running the whole thing, walking if I need to. Trying to run without a time in mind. I have found some training programs on line and hope to look at it tomorrow and fit it into my schedule. I have decided to be kind to myself if I don't keep up with my training program. I will run what I can and walk the rest. I will be proud.

A perfect fourth of July. Parade, hot dogs, Popsicles, frolicking, bar-b-que, sparklers, fireworks, bed.

We went to the library today. Elio picked books about dinosaurs and bugs, like usual. One book on the shelf caught his eye. On the cover was a rubber ducky all alone in the ocean. We selected our books and went to the check out. When we got outside the building Elio broke down in tears. He was so sad and I had no idea what was wrong. At first he didn't want to tell me. Finally he said "I am worried about the ducky". I wasn't sure what he meant. Elio continued "He is all alone out at sea". He was genuinely worried for the poor little ducky on the book cover. I tried to assure him the ducky was just fine. He cried all the way home. He was trying so hard to be brave and calm himself down. I told him it was alright to be sad and worry about people and things. Elio just went to bed. Tonight he brought with him his rubber ducky.

Well, summer is finally here, sort of any way. We have seen the sun most days this week and it is a welcomed change. I am hoping for warm evenings in the garden. Days of splashing in the water with my little ones. A salad entirely grown in my back yard. And tan lines on my feet. I don't think I am asking too much.

our day at the park

Today started a bit rocky. Elio was being a bit pushy and grumpy. We were going to go to the childrens museum, but after his behavior, I decided we would stay home. Elio wanted to go outside and look for bugs, a new favorite past time. I put Saul on my back and went outside. We found slugs and ants, spiders and pill bugs. Then I found a giant centipede. I am not a fan of bugs, but it was so much fun to see how excited he was seeing it. After lunch we looked up on the computer what centipedes eat (earthworms apparently) and what eats them (birds, raccoons). They still, as Elio says, give me the icky's.

A few photos Elio took on this mornings walk

We have started going for a walk in the morning. The whole family. Not too far, just about half an hour or so. it is a way for us to spend a little time together before Papa, or I go to work, or Elio goes to school. We name all the trees and flowers we know. We look for bird feeders and bird houses. Elio likes to name them "Come Birds Come Restaurant" is a popular one. Elio likes to tell the birds flying by or sitting on fences where they can fin the nearest restaurant. Elio resists going almost every day, but once we are out the door he is happy and silly. He holds my hand when we cross streets and runs ahead skipping down the sidewalk. it is so much fun to see him on these walks, exploring our neighborhood discovering the world.

I am having a moment of absolute peace right now. Can you feel it...yes, there it is. One child napping, one quietly playing, me drinking my coffee and enjoying the light in the dining room. It is a foggy morning. The kind where you can feel the mist on your face while you walk. I am taking this moment in, the peace, the beauty of the morning.

I have started drinking coffee again. Not "real" coffee, decaf. I drink it black. One cup a day. I haven't drank coffee regularly in about nine years. Ever since Papa got the espresso machine and the labor involved in making a coffee outweighed the benefits. I love my daily cup. I savor it. At first it felt like I was doing something naughty. Now it is becoming a ritual. A daily event in my life. Is it bad if I have two cups?

Today has not been my ideal day. Saul woke up at 4:30 up nurse followed by Elio at 4:50. I was mad, I wanted SLEEP! Papa had to keep reminding me to make the best of it. Being grumpy was not going to male anything easier. I did come around, aim still tired and a little worried about how the day will go with no one having had a full nights sleep. Oh well, things could be worse. I could have been up at 4:30 with a sick kid rather than one brimming over with energy and enthusiasm.

Every week i change hats. Monday through Thursday I am Mama. I play, I change diapers, I prepare snacks. Then Friday rolls around and I dress up, put on some lipstick, and go to work. Friday, Saturday, Sunday, what is the weekend to others is my work week. I am a hairstylist, and I feel lucky everyday for choosing a career I love. I actually have fun at work. I enjoy my clients. I feel like I learn so much from them. So many different people in different jobs, from different places, with different interests. I love the people i work with. I love that I get to be creative, I am making something, building something.

Elio has really been enjoying music lately. He likes to dance around and sing along. He is learning the words. Sometimes they are a creative interpretation of what is really being said. They say "Music calms the savage beast". I have found his new found appreciation for music will often calm his beasty behavior. When he is getting a little too wound up, I will turn it on and he often focuses in on the songs.

I am not really a music person. Don't get me wrong, I like music, but if I am home alone I like the quiet. I have gone years with no radio in the car with more than one car. I do like having Elio's music on. I think Saul likes it too. A little music is good for everyone.

I had to make a change today so,i ran and I ran a little bit further. Had to shake the dust off. Papa took Elio for their morning walk. I took Saul in the stroller for a run. It felt good to be moving. A thought kept surfacing in my mind "you have the rest of your life". I am not totally clear on what it means but I like it. I have the rest of my life ahead of me so what will I do with it? It made me think of the old "if this was your last day on Earth" type of thing. I know I want to love and enjoy the people around me. I don't want to wast time being crabby and unkind. I don't want to push away the ones I love. I want to run more.

Today feels a little different than usual. Saul has been napping a lot. Two hour long stretches. One interrupted by our going to Elio's basketball class. We are currently twenty minutes into nap number three. Elio has been mellow today, drawing pictures, playing quietly, even laying under a blanket listening to music. It is good, I needed a day like this. I am feeling not quite up the the mommy job today. I am a little too quick to frustration, maybe a little down. Blame it on the constant rain, or Brooke and James leaving. Whatever it is I hope I shake it quick. I feel like drinking tea and starring out the window or watching tv all day. Neither are an option when you have to keep up with two little people.

My sister Brooke went home today, so did James the dog. They have been with us for two months. We have gotten used to her company during the day. Some one to hand off Saul to for a moment so I can get something done. Someone to speak grown up with. We will miss all the time we have been able to spend together lately. We will miss our little outings. We will miss her, until next time.

I am sorry to say I am a little frazzled today. There is laundry to do, the house is a mess, and Elio is testing everything. On top of that I am still trying to figure out a nap schedule for the baby. Some days it is two naps, some three, some four. Elio was much more scheduled at this age. Also there is construction going on next door causing the dogs to bark at every little bump or bang, often waking the baby. I wish I was sharing the joys of mother hood, all baking muffins and reading stories, there are times like that, but I'm afraid it is not everyday. I do love this job of motherhood, but it never gets any easier.

Papa and I had some much needed time together yesterday. I had no clients in the morning and Elio had school, so we took the baby and dogs for a walk at Mt. Tabor. We strolled in the sun and talked. Some subjects serious, some, not so much. There were tons of people out enjoying the sunshine, joggers, walkers, and quite a few birdwatchers. The baby slept, we took our time. It felt good to walk. It felt good to talk. It felt good to be outside.

Wow, I have really lost some posting momentum. I took a week off sick with a sinus infection and never really got back to it. My goal was one year. I will pick things up from here. Blogging is not the only thing I have lost momentum with, my whole life feels a little bogged down. My eating has gotten bad, my home has gotten messy, my exercise routine has all but disappeared. Time to let spring pick up my pace and my mood.

The sun is out more, we have been out more and it feels really good. Today we went to the park. Something happened and Elio's leg was bleeding. Not badly, just a small poke. All he wanted to do after that was go home and get a Band-Aid. My mother brought Elio these Pinocchio Band-Aids last year from Italy. They have become quite the accessory. He was very excited to have me put it over his tiny cut and started planning his outfit for tomorrow around it.

Yesterday we spent almost all day outside. Elio had a soccer class at nine, and it being such a nice day, we went to the park after. Other children would come and go. Some we knew some we didn't. I hadn't planned on being there all day and when other kids started their lunches Elio wanted one too. We scooted home and quickly made one, put it in his lunch box and scooted back to the park for a picnic. Elio made more new friends, Saul napped off and on in the stroller, nursed, and had some of his own snacks. It felt good to be in the sun with all the other children and parents who have been cooped up too long.

Yesterday was darn near perfect. It was the warmest day we had seen in too long. I took the day off to run the 5k Run For The Cheetah. The race was small, perfect being i had not done a race in over a year and am still having trouble finding a workout routine since the baby was born. The race was great! Some hills but not too much, the temperature was perfect. I ran at an average pace for the little training i had done.  Elio had his kids run, a half mile through the zoo. He was so excited! He lined up with the other kids and took off. A girl fell in front of him causing a small pile up. Elio got up and ran as fast as he could. They ran through the zoo. When we saw him coming after the turn around, he was bumping the kid next to him trying to pass. I yell "Elio, run as fast as you can!" and he picked up his pace to the finish. He was so proud of himself and Papa and I were equally as proud. We hung around on the lawn of the zoo in the sunshine while Elio did some crafts and had his face painted. It was the most relaxed I had felt in a long time. After walking around the zoo a little, we headed home where Papa did some work in the yard while i looked after the kids. The day was topped off with dinned in the back yard and bedtime stories. Not a bad day in my book.

Today just started out as one of those days. I was tired, edgy, anxious. I didn't have the patience for my little ones. Elio went to school, Saul took a nap, and I went to work. Now I feel guilty for wanting to be away from everyone. The kids, Gabe, everyone. I just can't shake this feeling. Tired, edgy, anxious. I hate feeling like my job at home is more work than my job at work. I hate feeling like I am not doing a good job at the one that matters more. I guess we all need a break sometimes.

It took a lot of work to get Elio to the point where I could ask him to get dressed and he would do it by himself. First he would put his head in his shirt and I would help him with the arms. Soon I would help him pick his clothes and help with tricky parts like socks, zippers, and buttons. Now he does it all himself. My favorite part of this is the outfits he puts together. Lately they have often been topped off with the headband he got in tae kwan do class. Another favorite wardrobe piece is his Christmas themed socks. They seem to go with everything!
Sometimes I see other kids in cute outfits where everything matches and is seasonally appropriate, but then I think about the independence choosing your own clothes creates. For me clothing was always a big source of creativity, and I want to create that opportunity for my children. I hope they enjoy having the power to choose what the wear. I certainly enjoy seeing the results!

Elio was a rat today. He collected things and burrowed into tunnels he made in the bed sheets. He collected some Easter grass, scraps of paper, books, toys. He made rat noises. When he was finished collecting things we cuddled in bed and read the books and played with the toys. It was a peaceful moment of imagination.

I love these races Elio sets up. He puts so much thought into them. They are full of action. These cars are the only toy that he consistently plays with. They never get old. He loves them. He likes to learn their names, where they were made. He creates little scenarios for them. Sometimes each car is a person, someone from school or someone in the family. Often I am the announcer narrating the action, but the best is when he plays alone. In his own world totally focused on the drama taking place in the race.

Saul 7 months

Today I am bit tired. Saul is working on some new teeth And has been up a lot lately. He was so sad and inconsolable last night. A got him up, cuddled on the couch, and nursed until he relax and fell asleep. It is so hard to see my easy going little guy in pain like that.

We saw the sunshine today. Elio, Saul, my sister Brooke and i went to the park to soak up some much needed vitamin D. Elio played fetch with James, Brooke's dog. Saul watched all the action from my lap. The sun felt good, it felt warm. I need more of these days. More sunshine.

Tell me, is it wrong to make your own Birthday cake? What if you really like to bake? Yesterday was my birthday and I did bake my own cake. There were offers of other cakes, but I wanted to make my own. I am now 36. It used to be that my Birthday was a big deal. I would take the day off work wear a tiara, you would know it was coming. Now birthdays are really no big deal. Don't get me wrong, they are still special, but without the same impact they once had. However this day seemed really special. Friends took me to lunch. Brooke made her famous taco salad. Elio helped me with the candles. I was surrounded by people I love and I felt loved. what could be better.

I had one of those good parenting days yesterday. One of those days where everything just sort of clicked.  We played and snacked and read stories. At the end of the day Elio had his new dance class,  Pre-Ballet. I was so proud, I got a little choked up! Elio was able to slow down and was really beginning to understand the moves. He wanted me to tell you he was a "Block Robot" during class. Apparently a Block Robot makes mechanical noises while doing plies.

Papa and Elio Oregon Coast 2008

I am having beach fantasy's today. Maybe it is the little bit of sun trying to shine through the clouds today. Maybe it was walking Elio to basketball class this morning and seeing the temperature read 37 degrees! Maybe i am a little low on the vitamin D. What ever the cause I wish we could have a little beach break. There is really no place where children and dogs are happier. Even on a cold day the beach is so relaxing. Maybe i can convince Brooke to take us on a little day trip next week?

Saul slept straight through til 4 this morning, nursed for fifteen minutes or so, and back to sleep! This would have been great if it weren't for little mister up before the sun's wakeup call at 4:30. Papa got up with Elio and let me sleep a little longer. What would I do without Papa? I feel a little guilty that he always let's me sleep in. I owe him big time.

OK, OK, so 5k it is. I took Papa's advice not to put too much pressure on myself and do the shorter distance. There will be plenty of time to do 8k's and 10k's and whatever else. I am finding it hard enough to get myself moving without the pressure of feeling like what I am doing is not enough. I will train for the 5k and I will enjoy it.

It is becoming increasingly difficult to diaper Saul these days with all the rolling and squirming. He has a real get up and go attitude. As soon as you have one side of the diaper done he is on his belly grabbing at something or or doing another roll. On top of this, he has discovered his penis. When the diaper comes off I am trying to block his little hands reaching into his poopie diaper! He thinks the whole thing is is quite funny.

As a child I always had a desire to be special, to be unique. I think everyone has this same desire. I remember seeing the child piano virtuoso, the one armed gymnast. People who excelled despite adversity. A part of me still feels that way. But what is true success. For me it is to live a creative life full of love, a beautiful life. In that regard I am an over achiever. that is why I am doing this little blog. To try to create, in a new way. To see where it goes. To see what I have to say. To have an outlet to the words rolling through my head. I still have not told anyone about it, only Papa and my sister. I am too scared to share it with anyone else. Scared of looking silly. Scared of the exposure. Funny how I would rather share it with strangers than people I know. It is safer that way. Less possibility of being hurt, of being humiliated. Soon I will have to share it, if I really want to see where it can go. To be open.

I am not one of those obsessive runners who has to run every day. I wish I had a little bit of that, just a little, but I don't. It is always a struggle to put on my shoes, to get out of the house. But once I am out the door there is no place I would rather be. I love the sound of my feet on the pavement, the sound of my breathing. I love how everything else falls away. I never ran track in high school. I always failed the presidents fitness test. I was one of the girls who walked the mile in P.E. I never wanted to sweat, never wanted to look stupid. Never wanted to fail.

I started running in my early twenties. I was a trail runner. At first I walked up the hills and ran down then little by little I could run further, run faster. I could run up hills I thought were impossible. Now I live in the city. Now I am a road runner. I don't run as often or as far as I used to, but it still gives my so much peace. A little time to myself where nothing matters, only my next step. I can think clearly when I run.

Now I run races. Not to win but to keep me running. And I don't care if I sweat. I don't care if I look stupid. I know I will not fail.

I ran again today just two miles but I felt like I could run forever partly to the mild weather (almost 60 degrees!) partly to my running partner James. He is 14 some odd pounds of canine energy belonging to my sister Brooke. They are visiting for the month and I plan to recruit James as motivation for my training for the race in may. What do you think 5k or 8k? It is amazing how your state of mind effects your perceived fitness. There are days when two miles feels like one hundred and other days when it feels like nothing. I think everything is like that really. We make things so much harder than they really are just with our thinking. When I used to waitress there where times when every table was full and there was a line out the door. I would start to get flustered, making mistakes. Then someone said to me "When every table is full you can't get any busier. You might as well relax and do your best." It is the most true thing. It is all your thinking weather it is running, waiting tables, or anything else. If you can relax and move through you task and think positively you will do better, and feel beter doing it.

Well, we did it. We let Saul cry it out. It is sort of heart breaking to listen to your baby cry. They cry because they need you. They cry because they are hurt. They cry because they woke up and they want to be with you. Is it curl to not answer their cry just so you can get a little much needed sleep? I'm sure there are many who would say yes, but for me it is what I felt I needed to do to handle the day better. Functioning with little sleep and trying to keep up with Elio and his five A.M. Wake up call was not working. I still feel guilty though. I read somewhere "no baby died from crying" and I had to remind myself that many times last night. I know I go against many peoples thoughts on what is the right way to get baby to sleep through the night, but he is just as happy and chipper as ever this morning.

Sleep is at a premium around here lately. Saul was a good sleeper, until latly. I'm not sure what exactly going on. Teething? Separation? Hunger? Does he have a cold? It has been going on long enough to assume it is a habit now. With my trouble with low milk supply, it is really hard for me think about sleep training. What if he is starving? I know if I want to sleep through the night, at some point I will have to give it a try. There are a few different schools of thought about how or when to get your baby to sleep through the night. Some say co-sleeping your baby will sleep better. I am not a co-sleeping mama. Though I can see the benefits of it. I was always worried I would accidentally smother the baby. This thought made me lose more sleep than the night waking. There is the low cry method, the no cry method the cry it out method, and everything in between. What it comes down to is when I am ready to try something and stick to it, even if it is hard. I am not ready to try anything today, we will see. I just keep hoping it will get better on it's own. We'll see....

Every morning Elio greets me with the most enthusiastic "Good morning Mama". I try to meet his level of enthusiasiam, but it is hard. I am not exactially a morning person. Being up in the night to feed Sauly doesn't help. There is Elio, so full of love. I love him so much but why do I let so many little things bug me? I am making a point of trying to go with the flow a bit more. Most of the things that bother me are really nothing. Just a kid being a kid. I will practice patience. I will not focus on the little things. After all I do half of the same little things he does. I am sure he learned it from me. Go with the flow.

This morning, while Elio was at school, I took Saul for his first run along the river. I was running a bit while i was off for maternity leave, but have found it difficult to find the time since i have been back at work. I decided I would sign up for an 8k to get me motivated. I found a race at the Oregon Zoo. called the Cheetah Run. It's perfect! There is a kids run too. So time to start thinking about getting back in running shape.

It was a beautiful morning. The sky showed layers of clouds and patches of blue. I planed an ambitious five miles. About two miles into it Saul decided it wasn't for him. We stopped at a bench to nurse and see if he would calm down so we could get back on the road. It was a lovely place for a rest and watch the cars pass over the bridges. When Saul began to smile again I thought it was time to get moving again. I got him back in the jogger but he was still a bit tearful. We turned around and headed back to the car. Saul cried off and on the whole Way back. We maybe did three miles. I may be a little generous on that. It felt like I hadn't run for a while but I am sure glad I did it. Something about running makes it feel like you can breath a little deeper.

I am hoping getting back into a running routine will help my stress level around the house.Keep my energy going till the end of the day. Help me have more patience. Give me a little time for me? I hope so especially the patience part. Often by the end of the day I feel so drained I just want to push everyone away. You just can't do that when you are the parent. Maybe taking care of myself more will help me do better taking care of the little people around me. I hope so.

I am feeling a little edgy today. I think Elio feels it too. He is pushing my buttons a bit more than normal. Just little things, bumping into me and being under foot. I am trying to not take it out on him. I just need a little space. I did sneak a shower during Saul's half hour nap. We have a few errands to run today and Elio agreed to help make lentil soup for dinner. I was also planning to try to make a nutty treat. We see hope things go. I need to remind myself what I said a few days ago. Focus on the good moments.

Someone tried to take something from me
It did not hurt me
Someone tried to take something from me
I am strong
Someone tried to take something from me
I do not need it

I would rather give than take
I would rather love than hate
I would rather live than hide

Someone tried to take something from me
It is not mine

Moments

Proud Elio

Sleepy Saul

Elio is racing cars on the floor. Saul is napping. I am sitting at the table drinking my tea and enjoying the moment. Enjoying the light. Later we are getting ready for our walk. Elio and Saul playing peek-a-boo. Saul is letting out the biggest belly laughs. Now I am in bed with Saul for a rest listening to Elio playing with his Hot Wheels in the other room. Listening to the little conversations with himself. These are moments of peace. This in not every moment, but this is what I choose to focus on. The peace and the joy in my day. We are all better for it. There are more of them because of it.

Serendipity

Spring flowers from Papa and Elio

Today was the first day of spring, so I wore a springy dress and my bright orangey red lip stick. After work I stopped at the Goodwill. I found a Halloween costume for Saul, a cute frog suit. An amazing sweater for me with little French men in berets and a vase. The vase is smallish with orange hibiscus flowers. I thought there was a sweetness to it and brought it home.

As I was leaving I ran into a girl who's hair I had cut the previous day. Serendipitous! She and her friend had been on a road trip and were spending a few days in Portland. She seemed genuinely happy about her haircut, a big change, and was following my advice of some places to check out in Portland.

When I got home I was greeted by Elio's huge smile and hugs.
"We got you flowers Mama!"

Serendipitous!

Good Morning Baby

Saul 6 months

I have been up since 4:30 this morning. Not by choice. Saul wanted to get up. I tried to soothe him back to sleep but he kept crying and fussing. I have never been up that early, I have stayed up that late in the old days, but never been up that early. Papa and Elio slept in past 7:00 so I got some rare quiet moments. Just me and Saul. It made it kind of worth it. We nursed and giggled and snuggled. He was happy to see my face, happy to be.

I Miss You...

It is time for me to head home to Portland. To leave the bay behind. To go back to being a mother, a wife. The leave the child me behind. I miss it hear. How easy it felt. The beauty of the bay. My family.

Life has been hard since I left. Who knows, maybe it would have been hard if I had stayed too, but I don't. Don't get me wrong, life is good. I love my life, but I miss my old life too. I can make life in the bay anything I want in my mind. It is perfect here because it is not real. But missing my family when I am in Portland is real.

Fight or flight

I have been visiting home with my babies. Home has changed in a lot of ways. I no longer recognize everyone I pass on the street. I find myself wondering "who are these people and where did they come from?" Home is now Mom, Brooke, and me. Frank is gone, five years now. He has missed so much. I miss him. We all do. I could really use his voice of reason now.

I have been struggling with another part of home. My father. After all these years all my anger with him has come flying out. Somewhat misdirected. Almost violently. Frightening everyone caught in my wake. Things were left unfinished. I don't know where to go from here. The ball has been left in my court. I would love to walk away. It would be so much easier, but that is not the kind of person I want to be. I am scared. I don't know if I want to improve the relationship. It feels like too much work. I don't know if it is possible to reconstruct a new relationship. The old one was not working. We are all going to have to change our rolls in this. I don't know how after a life time of pretending everything is ok. Something deep inside me just wants to give up. Just thinking about it makes me tired.

I Want To Live In The Present

I don't want to live in the past
I want to live in the present, but sometimes the past hurts so much you can still feel it
Sometimes you think you are healed and the wound is opened again
Sometimes just a little
Sometimes wide open
I want to live in the present
I want to love, to trust, to share myself, but sometimes the wound is too deep
What about the future
That is where fear is
I want to live in the present
Not fear the "what if..."
Not fear the "but then..."
I want to live in the present

Little Flashes

me age five

I a have these little flashes
Half memories
A house
A room
Playing a game
From my childhood
They pop into my mind while I am doing other things
Just a flash
Sometimes I think the flashes are trying to tell me something
Bring me back to that place that time
Just a flash

We talked about the sun, how there is one big sun that shines over all of us. Whether you are in San Francisco or Portland. We are under the same sun. It connects us all, gives us light, makes things grow. Elio told me there are rainbows on the other side of the sun. I like to think there are.

Oh Laundry

Laundry. The thing I hate about laundry is it is never really done, unless you are a nudist. Even then there would be sheets and towels. With our newest addition the piles seem endless. By the time I need to start this weeks pile I still have last weeks to put away. On top of it all we have chosen to use cloth diapers. We wash them about every other day. Sometimes when I am having a particularly challenging day, I treat myself to a disposable diaper. Don't tell Papa.

I have never been the tidiest person. As a child there was literally a path through the piles of cloths, toys, whatever. I feel I have improved my housekeeping immensely over the years. Still, always feel like my whites are never white enough.

Love Is.....

Elio's thoughts about love

I am a lucky girl, my husband loves me with all his heart.
I feel it when he takes my hand while driving in the car.
I feel it when he looks at me and pause and smiles.
I feel it when he wants to defend me when someone has hurt me.
I am a lucky girl.

How Does Your Garden Grow

I never claimed to have a green thumb. I love plants, but never seem to water them when I should. I think about doing it but never get to it until they look "thirsty". I have managed to keep a few plant alive for ten plus years. They have survived through several moves and lots of neglect. The fact they are still living says more about the plant than my ability to care for it. I do love my little window garden. It is not beautiful, but it gives me so much joy and pleasure. i love the light that comes through this window. I love to dream about the improvements i will make to it. i love to propagate new philodendrons. I never have the heart to through a plant in the trash, even when it is hanging on for dear life and there is no hope. Plants become part of the landscape that is our home. The small act of bringing the outside in, giving us something to care for. I think it does make things better.

Mama Called The Doctor And The Doctor Said

If there was some sort of medical equivalent to frequent flyer miles, we would be racking it up these past few weeks. Big Brother had pink eye, and an ear infection on top of the ever existing cold. Baby Brother has been sharing the cold provided by Big Brother followed by a fever thet spiked at 104! We are past most of it now, just a few sniffles as reminders. This makes me realize how lucky we are to have our health.

Our visits to the doctor has inspired lots of doctor play. Big brother was given a medical set about a year and a half ago and has just discovered it. He has been administering lots of shots, taking my temperature, and blood pressure which is apparently "over the roof"! He has advised me to stop drinking "coffee and other stuff". Sometimes it is too low and i might "get dead". I will take this advice.

Snow Day

A few images from our snow day last week.

This may look like a snowy meadow, but it is really the golf course down the road.

Angles on the green.

There was snow last week. Not much, but enough to close schools. Papa got the day off and we took the morning to play. We walked to the golf course and found families lining the tops of the hills with all different types of sleds and saucers. whatever you could make it down the hill on. Atmosphere was quite festive. Everyone smiling and playing. Dogs running freely. It made me wish i lived in Michigan for a moment. Only for a moment.

The Toughest Job You Will Ever Love

Parenting is the toughest job I have ever had. Everyone tells you that, and it is true. There is no one to tell you what to do. You constantly make mistakes. The pressure to do everything right AND without yelling is immense. Papa and I tag team parent, meaning, when he is at work, I am home with the kids and when I am at work he is at home with the kids. This leaves very little family time and possibly a good deal of inconsistency for the kids.

I am the mother of Elio, an energetic determined four year old. And Saul, a sweet chatty five month old. I struggle to find balance between work, home, and myself. I was never the person who, when describing myself first said "I am a mother." I think that is starting to change. I worry I am becoming one of those people who can only talk about their children. I think before children I was like that with the dogs though, so maybe it is just how I am.