Well, we did it. We let Saul cry it out. It is sort of heart breaking to listen to your baby cry. They cry because they need you. They cry because they are hurt. They cry because they woke up and they want to be with you. Is it curl to not answer their cry just so you can get a little much needed sleep? I'm sure there are many who would say yes, but for me it is what I felt I needed to do to handle the day better. Functioning with little sleep and trying to keep up with Elio and his five A.M. Wake up call was not working. I still feel guilty though. I read somewhere "no baby died from crying" and I had to remind myself that many times last night. I know I go against many peoples thoughts on what is the right way to get baby to sleep through the night, but he is just as happy and chipper as ever this morning.

Sleep is at a premium around here lately. Saul was a good sleeper, until latly. I'm not sure what exactly going on. Teething? Separation? Hunger? Does he have a cold? It has been going on long enough to assume it is a habit now. With my trouble with low milk supply, it is really hard for me think about sleep training. What if he is starving? I know if I want to sleep through the night, at some point I will have to give it a try. There are a few different schools of thought about how or when to get your baby to sleep through the night. Some say co-sleeping your baby will sleep better. I am not a co-sleeping mama. Though I can see the benefits of it. I was always worried I would accidentally smother the baby. This thought made me lose more sleep than the night waking. There is the low cry method, the no cry method the cry it out method, and everything in between. What it comes down to is when I am ready to try something and stick to it, even if it is hard. I am not ready to try anything today, we will see. I just keep hoping it will get better on it's own. We'll see....

Every morning Elio greets me with the most enthusiastic "Good morning Mama". I try to meet his level of enthusiasiam, but it is hard. I am not exactially a morning person. Being up in the night to feed Sauly doesn't help. There is Elio, so full of love. I love him so much but why do I let so many little things bug me? I am making a point of trying to go with the flow a bit more. Most of the things that bother me are really nothing. Just a kid being a kid. I will practice patience. I will not focus on the little things. After all I do half of the same little things he does. I am sure he learned it from me. Go with the flow.

This morning, while Elio was at school, I took Saul for his first run along the river. I was running a bit while i was off for maternity leave, but have found it difficult to find the time since i have been back at work. I decided I would sign up for an 8k to get me motivated. I found a race at the Oregon Zoo. called the Cheetah Run. It's perfect! There is a kids run too. So time to start thinking about getting back in running shape.

It was a beautiful morning. The sky showed layers of clouds and patches of blue. I planed an ambitious five miles. About two miles into it Saul decided it wasn't for him. We stopped at a bench to nurse and see if he would calm down so we could get back on the road. It was a lovely place for a rest and watch the cars pass over the bridges. When Saul began to smile again I thought it was time to get moving again. I got him back in the jogger but he was still a bit tearful. We turned around and headed back to the car. Saul cried off and on the whole Way back. We maybe did three miles. I may be a little generous on that. It felt like I hadn't run for a while but I am sure glad I did it. Something about running makes it feel like you can breath a little deeper.

I am hoping getting back into a running routine will help my stress level around the house.Keep my energy going till the end of the day. Help me have more patience. Give me a little time for me? I hope so especially the patience part. Often by the end of the day I feel so drained I just want to push everyone away. You just can't do that when you are the parent. Maybe taking care of myself more will help me do better taking care of the little people around me. I hope so.

I am feeling a little edgy today. I think Elio feels it too. He is pushing my buttons a bit more than normal. Just little things, bumping into me and being under foot. I am trying to not take it out on him. I just need a little space. I did sneak a shower during Saul's half hour nap. We have a few errands to run today and Elio agreed to help make lentil soup for dinner. I was also planning to try to make a nutty treat. We see hope things go. I need to remind myself what I said a few days ago. Focus on the good moments.

Someone tried to take something from me
It did not hurt me
Someone tried to take something from me
I am strong
Someone tried to take something from me
I do not need it

I would rather give than take
I would rather love than hate
I would rather live than hide

Someone tried to take something from me
It is not mine

Moments

Proud Elio

Sleepy Saul

Elio is racing cars on the floor. Saul is napping. I am sitting at the table drinking my tea and enjoying the moment. Enjoying the light. Later we are getting ready for our walk. Elio and Saul playing peek-a-boo. Saul is letting out the biggest belly laughs. Now I am in bed with Saul for a rest listening to Elio playing with his Hot Wheels in the other room. Listening to the little conversations with himself. These are moments of peace. This in not every moment, but this is what I choose to focus on. The peace and the joy in my day. We are all better for it. There are more of them because of it.

Serendipity

Spring flowers from Papa and Elio

Today was the first day of spring, so I wore a springy dress and my bright orangey red lip stick. After work I stopped at the Goodwill. I found a Halloween costume for Saul, a cute frog suit. An amazing sweater for me with little French men in berets and a vase. The vase is smallish with orange hibiscus flowers. I thought there was a sweetness to it and brought it home.

As I was leaving I ran into a girl who's hair I had cut the previous day. Serendipitous! She and her friend had been on a road trip and were spending a few days in Portland. She seemed genuinely happy about her haircut, a big change, and was following my advice of some places to check out in Portland.

When I got home I was greeted by Elio's huge smile and hugs.
"We got you flowers Mama!"

Serendipitous!

Good Morning Baby

Saul 6 months

I have been up since 4:30 this morning. Not by choice. Saul wanted to get up. I tried to soothe him back to sleep but he kept crying and fussing. I have never been up that early, I have stayed up that late in the old days, but never been up that early. Papa and Elio slept in past 7:00 so I got some rare quiet moments. Just me and Saul. It made it kind of worth it. We nursed and giggled and snuggled. He was happy to see my face, happy to be.

I Miss You...

It is time for me to head home to Portland. To leave the bay behind. To go back to being a mother, a wife. The leave the child me behind. I miss it hear. How easy it felt. The beauty of the bay. My family.

Life has been hard since I left. Who knows, maybe it would have been hard if I had stayed too, but I don't. Don't get me wrong, life is good. I love my life, but I miss my old life too. I can make life in the bay anything I want in my mind. It is perfect here because it is not real. But missing my family when I am in Portland is real.

Fight or flight

I have been visiting home with my babies. Home has changed in a lot of ways. I no longer recognize everyone I pass on the street. I find myself wondering "who are these people and where did they come from?" Home is now Mom, Brooke, and me. Frank is gone, five years now. He has missed so much. I miss him. We all do. I could really use his voice of reason now.

I have been struggling with another part of home. My father. After all these years all my anger with him has come flying out. Somewhat misdirected. Almost violently. Frightening everyone caught in my wake. Things were left unfinished. I don't know where to go from here. The ball has been left in my court. I would love to walk away. It would be so much easier, but that is not the kind of person I want to be. I am scared. I don't know if I want to improve the relationship. It feels like too much work. I don't know if it is possible to reconstruct a new relationship. The old one was not working. We are all going to have to change our rolls in this. I don't know how after a life time of pretending everything is ok. Something deep inside me just wants to give up. Just thinking about it makes me tired.

I Want To Live In The Present

I don't want to live in the past
I want to live in the present, but sometimes the past hurts so much you can still feel it
Sometimes you think you are healed and the wound is opened again
Sometimes just a little
Sometimes wide open
I want to live in the present
I want to love, to trust, to share myself, but sometimes the wound is too deep
What about the future
That is where fear is
I want to live in the present
Not fear the "what if..."
Not fear the "but then..."
I want to live in the present

Little Flashes

me age five

I a have these little flashes
Half memories
A house
A room
Playing a game
From my childhood
They pop into my mind while I am doing other things
Just a flash
Sometimes I think the flashes are trying to tell me something
Bring me back to that place that time
Just a flash

We talked about the sun, how there is one big sun that shines over all of us. Whether you are in San Francisco or Portland. We are under the same sun. It connects us all, gives us light, makes things grow. Elio told me there are rainbows on the other side of the sun. I like to think there are.

Oh Laundry

Laundry. The thing I hate about laundry is it is never really done, unless you are a nudist. Even then there would be sheets and towels. With our newest addition the piles seem endless. By the time I need to start this weeks pile I still have last weeks to put away. On top of it all we have chosen to use cloth diapers. We wash them about every other day. Sometimes when I am having a particularly challenging day, I treat myself to a disposable diaper. Don't tell Papa.

I have never been the tidiest person. As a child there was literally a path through the piles of cloths, toys, whatever. I feel I have improved my housekeeping immensely over the years. Still, always feel like my whites are never white enough.

Love Is.....

Elio's thoughts about love

I am a lucky girl, my husband loves me with all his heart.
I feel it when he takes my hand while driving in the car.
I feel it when he looks at me and pause and smiles.
I feel it when he wants to defend me when someone has hurt me.
I am a lucky girl.

How Does Your Garden Grow

I never claimed to have a green thumb. I love plants, but never seem to water them when I should. I think about doing it but never get to it until they look "thirsty". I have managed to keep a few plant alive for ten plus years. They have survived through several moves and lots of neglect. The fact they are still living says more about the plant than my ability to care for it. I do love my little window garden. It is not beautiful, but it gives me so much joy and pleasure. i love the light that comes through this window. I love to dream about the improvements i will make to it. i love to propagate new philodendrons. I never have the heart to through a plant in the trash, even when it is hanging on for dear life and there is no hope. Plants become part of the landscape that is our home. The small act of bringing the outside in, giving us something to care for. I think it does make things better.

Mama Called The Doctor And The Doctor Said

If there was some sort of medical equivalent to frequent flyer miles, we would be racking it up these past few weeks. Big Brother had pink eye, and an ear infection on top of the ever existing cold. Baby Brother has been sharing the cold provided by Big Brother followed by a fever thet spiked at 104! We are past most of it now, just a few sniffles as reminders. This makes me realize how lucky we are to have our health.

Our visits to the doctor has inspired lots of doctor play. Big brother was given a medical set about a year and a half ago and has just discovered it. He has been administering lots of shots, taking my temperature, and blood pressure which is apparently "over the roof"! He has advised me to stop drinking "coffee and other stuff". Sometimes it is too low and i might "get dead". I will take this advice.

Snow Day

A few images from our snow day last week.

This may look like a snowy meadow, but it is really the golf course down the road.

Angles on the green.

There was snow last week. Not much, but enough to close schools. Papa got the day off and we took the morning to play. We walked to the golf course and found families lining the tops of the hills with all different types of sleds and saucers. whatever you could make it down the hill on. Atmosphere was quite festive. Everyone smiling and playing. Dogs running freely. It made me wish i lived in Michigan for a moment. Only for a moment.

The Toughest Job You Will Ever Love

Parenting is the toughest job I have ever had. Everyone tells you that, and it is true. There is no one to tell you what to do. You constantly make mistakes. The pressure to do everything right AND without yelling is immense. Papa and I tag team parent, meaning, when he is at work, I am home with the kids and when I am at work he is at home with the kids. This leaves very little family time and possibly a good deal of inconsistency for the kids.

I am the mother of Elio, an energetic determined four year old. And Saul, a sweet chatty five month old. I struggle to find balance between work, home, and myself. I was never the person who, when describing myself first said "I am a mother." I think that is starting to change. I worry I am becoming one of those people who can only talk about their children. I think before children I was like that with the dogs though, so maybe it is just how I am.