Today just started out as one of those days. I was tired, edgy, anxious. I didn't have the patience for my little ones. Elio went to school, Saul took a nap, and I went to work. Now I feel guilty for wanting to be away from everyone. The kids, Gabe, everyone. I just can't shake this feeling. Tired, edgy, anxious. I hate feeling like my job at home is more work than my job at work. I hate feeling like I am not doing a good job at the one that matters more. I guess we all need a break sometimes.

It took a lot of work to get Elio to the point where I could ask him to get dressed and he would do it by himself. First he would put his head in his shirt and I would help him with the arms. Soon I would help him pick his clothes and help with tricky parts like socks, zippers, and buttons. Now he does it all himself. My favorite part of this is the outfits he puts together. Lately they have often been topped off with the headband he got in tae kwan do class. Another favorite wardrobe piece is his Christmas themed socks. They seem to go with everything!
Sometimes I see other kids in cute outfits where everything matches and is seasonally appropriate, but then I think about the independence choosing your own clothes creates. For me clothing was always a big source of creativity, and I want to create that opportunity for my children. I hope they enjoy having the power to choose what the wear. I certainly enjoy seeing the results!

Elio was a rat today. He collected things and burrowed into tunnels he made in the bed sheets. He collected some Easter grass, scraps of paper, books, toys. He made rat noises. When he was finished collecting things we cuddled in bed and read the books and played with the toys. It was a peaceful moment of imagination.

I love these races Elio sets up. He puts so much thought into them. They are full of action. These cars are the only toy that he consistently plays with. They never get old. He loves them. He likes to learn their names, where they were made. He creates little scenarios for them. Sometimes each car is a person, someone from school or someone in the family. Often I am the announcer narrating the action, but the best is when he plays alone. In his own world totally focused on the drama taking place in the race.

Saul 7 months

Today I am bit tired. Saul is working on some new teeth And has been up a lot lately. He was so sad and inconsolable last night. A got him up, cuddled on the couch, and nursed until he relax and fell asleep. It is so hard to see my easy going little guy in pain like that.

We saw the sunshine today. Elio, Saul, my sister Brooke and i went to the park to soak up some much needed vitamin D. Elio played fetch with James, Brooke's dog. Saul watched all the action from my lap. The sun felt good, it felt warm. I need more of these days. More sunshine.

Tell me, is it wrong to make your own Birthday cake? What if you really like to bake? Yesterday was my birthday and I did bake my own cake. There were offers of other cakes, but I wanted to make my own. I am now 36. It used to be that my Birthday was a big deal. I would take the day off work wear a tiara, you would know it was coming. Now birthdays are really no big deal. Don't get me wrong, they are still special, but without the same impact they once had. However this day seemed really special. Friends took me to lunch. Brooke made her famous taco salad. Elio helped me with the candles. I was surrounded by people I love and I felt loved. what could be better.

I had one of those good parenting days yesterday. One of those days where everything just sort of clicked.  We played and snacked and read stories. At the end of the day Elio had his new dance class,  Pre-Ballet. I was so proud, I got a little choked up! Elio was able to slow down and was really beginning to understand the moves. He wanted me to tell you he was a "Block Robot" during class. Apparently a Block Robot makes mechanical noises while doing plies.

Papa and Elio Oregon Coast 2008

I am having beach fantasy's today. Maybe it is the little bit of sun trying to shine through the clouds today. Maybe it was walking Elio to basketball class this morning and seeing the temperature read 37 degrees! Maybe i am a little low on the vitamin D. What ever the cause I wish we could have a little beach break. There is really no place where children and dogs are happier. Even on a cold day the beach is so relaxing. Maybe i can convince Brooke to take us on a little day trip next week?

Saul slept straight through til 4 this morning, nursed for fifteen minutes or so, and back to sleep! This would have been great if it weren't for little mister up before the sun's wakeup call at 4:30. Papa got up with Elio and let me sleep a little longer. What would I do without Papa? I feel a little guilty that he always let's me sleep in. I owe him big time.

OK, OK, so 5k it is. I took Papa's advice not to put too much pressure on myself and do the shorter distance. There will be plenty of time to do 8k's and 10k's and whatever else. I am finding it hard enough to get myself moving without the pressure of feeling like what I am doing is not enough. I will train for the 5k and I will enjoy it.

It is becoming increasingly difficult to diaper Saul these days with all the rolling and squirming. He has a real get up and go attitude. As soon as you have one side of the diaper done he is on his belly grabbing at something or or doing another roll. On top of this, he has discovered his penis. When the diaper comes off I am trying to block his little hands reaching into his poopie diaper! He thinks the whole thing is is quite funny.

As a child I always had a desire to be special, to be unique. I think everyone has this same desire. I remember seeing the child piano virtuoso, the one armed gymnast. People who excelled despite adversity. A part of me still feels that way. But what is true success. For me it is to live a creative life full of love, a beautiful life. In that regard I am an over achiever. that is why I am doing this little blog. To try to create, in a new way. To see where it goes. To see what I have to say. To have an outlet to the words rolling through my head. I still have not told anyone about it, only Papa and my sister. I am too scared to share it with anyone else. Scared of looking silly. Scared of the exposure. Funny how I would rather share it with strangers than people I know. It is safer that way. Less possibility of being hurt, of being humiliated. Soon I will have to share it, if I really want to see where it can go. To be open.

I am not one of those obsessive runners who has to run every day. I wish I had a little bit of that, just a little, but I don't. It is always a struggle to put on my shoes, to get out of the house. But once I am out the door there is no place I would rather be. I love the sound of my feet on the pavement, the sound of my breathing. I love how everything else falls away. I never ran track in high school. I always failed the presidents fitness test. I was one of the girls who walked the mile in P.E. I never wanted to sweat, never wanted to look stupid. Never wanted to fail.

I started running in my early twenties. I was a trail runner. At first I walked up the hills and ran down then little by little I could run further, run faster. I could run up hills I thought were impossible. Now I live in the city. Now I am a road runner. I don't run as often or as far as I used to, but it still gives my so much peace. A little time to myself where nothing matters, only my next step. I can think clearly when I run.

Now I run races. Not to win but to keep me running. And I don't care if I sweat. I don't care if I look stupid. I know I will not fail.

I ran again today just two miles but I felt like I could run forever partly to the mild weather (almost 60 degrees!) partly to my running partner James. He is 14 some odd pounds of canine energy belonging to my sister Brooke. They are visiting for the month and I plan to recruit James as motivation for my training for the race in may. What do you think 5k or 8k? It is amazing how your state of mind effects your perceived fitness. There are days when two miles feels like one hundred and other days when it feels like nothing. I think everything is like that really. We make things so much harder than they really are just with our thinking. When I used to waitress there where times when every table was full and there was a line out the door. I would start to get flustered, making mistakes. Then someone said to me "When every table is full you can't get any busier. You might as well relax and do your best." It is the most true thing. It is all your thinking weather it is running, waiting tables, or anything else. If you can relax and move through you task and think positively you will do better, and feel beter doing it.