I Miss You...

It is time for me to head home to Portland. To leave the bay behind. To go back to being a mother, a wife. The leave the child me behind. I miss it hear. How easy it felt. The beauty of the bay. My family.

Life has been hard since I left. Who knows, maybe it would have been hard if I had stayed too, but I don't. Don't get me wrong, life is good. I love my life, but I miss my old life too. I can make life in the bay anything I want in my mind. It is perfect here because it is not real. But missing my family when I am in Portland is real.

Fight or flight

I have been visiting home with my babies. Home has changed in a lot of ways. I no longer recognize everyone I pass on the street. I find myself wondering "who are these people and where did they come from?" Home is now Mom, Brooke, and me. Frank is gone, five years now. He has missed so much. I miss him. We all do. I could really use his voice of reason now.

I have been struggling with another part of home. My father. After all these years all my anger with him has come flying out. Somewhat misdirected. Almost violently. Frightening everyone caught in my wake. Things were left unfinished. I don't know where to go from here. The ball has been left in my court. I would love to walk away. It would be so much easier, but that is not the kind of person I want to be. I am scared. I don't know if I want to improve the relationship. It feels like too much work. I don't know if it is possible to reconstruct a new relationship. The old one was not working. We are all going to have to change our rolls in this. I don't know how after a life time of pretending everything is ok. Something deep inside me just wants to give up. Just thinking about it makes me tired.