It's been a while...

I haven't checked in for a while so I thought I'd drop by. I am officially training for a marathon! In about six months I will be running Portland marathon, 26.2 miles. I have started training and to be honest, the final distance scares me. I've done 1/2 marathons and finished strong but we are talking about twice that distance! It will be a lot of work and time. So far it feels good. I like being scheduled and working toward a goal. I am only up to six miles for my longest training run so far but this week that goes up to 7.5 miles. Not a terribly long distance but the start of some longer, harder runs. Wish me luck!

I have been running quite a lot lately. I decited to do a half marathon with some of the girls from work. I am slowly increasing my distance and working on getting my pace up. I am a little worried about finding the time to train so I can still walk at the end of the race. I don't want training to feel like one more thing I have to do and be more stressful than fun. It is hard to fit in training with my schedule. So far I am feeling good. One thing that comes with running so much is these little mantras that go through my head while I run. They pop into my mind a mile or two into it. It is sort of a moment of clarity. The last one was "I am getting me back".

I had been feeling like I had lost a little of me lately. Feeling irritable, overwhelmed, bogged down. Now working toward something. Knowing that keeping moving will help keep me moving. I am starting to feel like me again. I look forward to finishing the race, to do something for myself. To accomplish something. To work hard for something. For me.

We spent the day at a friends farm. There were four of us girls from work eight kids between us, two dogs, several cows, one slug, and one crawdad. The kids played we lunched while refereeing. We finished the day with rain boots in the creek. The day felt like summer. I loved seeing the kids excitement throwing rocks in the creek, learning all kids aren't much different, and Mommies need to spend more time together.

We have just returned from two relaxing weeks in California. One in the Tahoe area and one in Marin County. I am happy to be home but boy do I miss the sunshine. I went for a run under the grey this morning and the thought that kept creeping into my mind was run away the gloom. I often get a bit depressed and homesick when I get back from a trip like this, but I am determined to keep it away with my prescribed running regimen. I just signed up for a half marathon with some of the girls at work. I am hoping this will motivate me and not add to my stress as another thing I don't have time to do. I am going to try to keep my competing drive out of my mind while training. Trying to be ok with not running the whole thing, walking if I need to. Trying to run without a time in mind. I have found some training programs on line and hope to look at it tomorrow and fit it into my schedule. I have decided to be kind to myself if I don't keep up with my training program. I will run what I can and walk the rest. I will be proud.

A perfect fourth of July. Parade, hot dogs, Popsicles, frolicking, bar-b-que, sparklers, fireworks, bed.

We went to the library today. Elio picked books about dinosaurs and bugs, like usual. One book on the shelf caught his eye. On the cover was a rubber ducky all alone in the ocean. We selected our books and went to the check out. When we got outside the building Elio broke down in tears. He was so sad and I had no idea what was wrong. At first he didn't want to tell me. Finally he said "I am worried about the ducky". I wasn't sure what he meant. Elio continued "He is all alone out at sea". He was genuinely worried for the poor little ducky on the book cover. I tried to assure him the ducky was just fine. He cried all the way home. He was trying so hard to be brave and calm himself down. I told him it was alright to be sad and worry about people and things. Elio just went to bed. Tonight he brought with him his rubber ducky.

Well, summer is finally here, sort of any way. We have seen the sun most days this week and it is a welcomed change. I am hoping for warm evenings in the garden. Days of splashing in the water with my little ones. A salad entirely grown in my back yard. And tan lines on my feet. I don't think I am asking too much.

our day at the park

Today started a bit rocky. Elio was being a bit pushy and grumpy. We were going to go to the childrens museum, but after his behavior, I decided we would stay home. Elio wanted to go outside and look for bugs, a new favorite past time. I put Saul on my back and went outside. We found slugs and ants, spiders and pill bugs. Then I found a giant centipede. I am not a fan of bugs, but it was so much fun to see how excited he was seeing it. After lunch we looked up on the computer what centipedes eat (earthworms apparently) and what eats them (birds, raccoons). They still, as Elio says, give me the icky's.

A few photos Elio took on this mornings walk

We have started going for a walk in the morning. The whole family. Not too far, just about half an hour or so. it is a way for us to spend a little time together before Papa, or I go to work, or Elio goes to school. We name all the trees and flowers we know. We look for bird feeders and bird houses. Elio likes to name them "Come Birds Come Restaurant" is a popular one. Elio likes to tell the birds flying by or sitting on fences where they can fin the nearest restaurant. Elio resists going almost every day, but once we are out the door he is happy and silly. He holds my hand when we cross streets and runs ahead skipping down the sidewalk. it is so much fun to see him on these walks, exploring our neighborhood discovering the world.

I am having a moment of absolute peace right now. Can you feel it...yes, there it is. One child napping, one quietly playing, me drinking my coffee and enjoying the light in the dining room. It is a foggy morning. The kind where you can feel the mist on your face while you walk. I am taking this moment in, the peace, the beauty of the morning.

I have started drinking coffee again. Not "real" coffee, decaf. I drink it black. One cup a day. I haven't drank coffee regularly in about nine years. Ever since Papa got the espresso machine and the labor involved in making a coffee outweighed the benefits. I love my daily cup. I savor it. At first it felt like I was doing something naughty. Now it is becoming a ritual. A daily event in my life. Is it bad if I have two cups?

Today has not been my ideal day. Saul woke up at 4:30 up nurse followed by Elio at 4:50. I was mad, I wanted SLEEP! Papa had to keep reminding me to make the best of it. Being grumpy was not going to male anything easier. I did come around, aim still tired and a little worried about how the day will go with no one having had a full nights sleep. Oh well, things could be worse. I could have been up at 4:30 with a sick kid rather than one brimming over with energy and enthusiasm.

Every week i change hats. Monday through Thursday I am Mama. I play, I change diapers, I prepare snacks. Then Friday rolls around and I dress up, put on some lipstick, and go to work. Friday, Saturday, Sunday, what is the weekend to others is my work week. I am a hairstylist, and I feel lucky everyday for choosing a career I love. I actually have fun at work. I enjoy my clients. I feel like I learn so much from them. So many different people in different jobs, from different places, with different interests. I love the people i work with. I love that I get to be creative, I am making something, building something.

Elio has really been enjoying music lately. He likes to dance around and sing along. He is learning the words. Sometimes they are a creative interpretation of what is really being said. They say "Music calms the savage beast". I have found his new found appreciation for music will often calm his beasty behavior. When he is getting a little too wound up, I will turn it on and he often focuses in on the songs.

I am not really a music person. Don't get me wrong, I like music, but if I am home alone I like the quiet. I have gone years with no radio in the car with more than one car. I do like having Elio's music on. I think Saul likes it too. A little music is good for everyone.

I had to make a change today so,i ran and I ran a little bit further. Had to shake the dust off. Papa took Elio for their morning walk. I took Saul in the stroller for a run. It felt good to be moving. A thought kept surfacing in my mind "you have the rest of your life". I am not totally clear on what it means but I like it. I have the rest of my life ahead of me so what will I do with it? It made me think of the old "if this was your last day on Earth" type of thing. I know I want to love and enjoy the people around me. I don't want to wast time being crabby and unkind. I don't want to push away the ones I love. I want to run more.

Today feels a little different than usual. Saul has been napping a lot. Two hour long stretches. One interrupted by our going to Elio's basketball class. We are currently twenty minutes into nap number three. Elio has been mellow today, drawing pictures, playing quietly, even laying under a blanket listening to music. It is good, I needed a day like this. I am feeling not quite up the the mommy job today. I am a little too quick to frustration, maybe a little down. Blame it on the constant rain, or Brooke and James leaving. Whatever it is I hope I shake it quick. I feel like drinking tea and starring out the window or watching tv all day. Neither are an option when you have to keep up with two little people.

My sister Brooke went home today, so did James the dog. They have been with us for two months. We have gotten used to her company during the day. Some one to hand off Saul to for a moment so I can get something done. Someone to speak grown up with. We will miss all the time we have been able to spend together lately. We will miss our little outings. We will miss her, until next time.

I am sorry to say I am a little frazzled today. There is laundry to do, the house is a mess, and Elio is testing everything. On top of that I am still trying to figure out a nap schedule for the baby. Some days it is two naps, some three, some four. Elio was much more scheduled at this age. Also there is construction going on next door causing the dogs to bark at every little bump or bang, often waking the baby. I wish I was sharing the joys of mother hood, all baking muffins and reading stories, there are times like that, but I'm afraid it is not everyday. I do love this job of motherhood, but it never gets any easier.

Papa and I had some much needed time together yesterday. I had no clients in the morning and Elio had school, so we took the baby and dogs for a walk at Mt. Tabor. We strolled in the sun and talked. Some subjects serious, some, not so much. There were tons of people out enjoying the sunshine, joggers, walkers, and quite a few birdwatchers. The baby slept, we took our time. It felt good to walk. It felt good to talk. It felt good to be outside.